I went back for a second helping of rice. The cafeteria worker, a beautiful young Mexican woman with full lips and doe eyes generously piled rice on the small plate. “People here are a little bit crazy. They think rice makes you fat. In my country, every night we eat rice, beans and cheese. Every single night.”

I smiled and thanked her.

As I was leaving I heard her mutter, “Maybe that’s why I’m a little bit fat. Hmm.”

I noticed her, more because she looked out of place, completely overdressed for the local bar, than for any other reason. A long, black evening gown, sparkly silver clutch, long clawlike fingernails that were horribly unattractive, hair ironed and slicked back into a tight ponytail at the crown of her head. She sat down beside us at the bar, ordered a drink, paid cash, and checked out the local scene, detachedly observant.

Moments later, she bent over to get her things and left the bar, drink still half full. A few minutes later Tricia and I noticed our wallets were missing. Damn her. After a round of expletives, we walked out onto the sidewalk, seeing if she was still in the vicinity. No such luck.

We informed the bartender of what had happened. He offered his apologies, bought us a round of drinks, then commented, “I knew there was something suspicious about her. I mean, who orders Bacardi and pineapple juice? That in itself screams criminal activity…”

“Matters of Taste

The latest in tasteful eyewear

by David Shaw, LA Times

A German company has created frames with detachable arms you can use as chopsticks. But why? So I saw this story not long ago about a German company that sells eyeglasses with detachable frame-arms that can be used as chopsticks or forks…”

read more….

My first thought was – oooooo. Gross. Eating raw fish with something that’s been perched behind your ear all day. Yuck.

My second thought was – oooooooo. Putting on glasses that have been dipped in soy sauce and wasabi that have clasped raw fish. Yuck.

But I like where he went with useful combinations.

Watch/corkscrew. Not bad.

Tie clasp/Eucharist shell holder. Not so much.

What else????

How about poncho/waterproof tablecloth? Great for those days in the park where you need something to lay your picnic spread on… in a little precipitation.

Earring/clam shucker. Could be useful.

Ring/dental floss dispenser. You always need dental floss at the most inopportune moments. Swirl it up in a fancy shmancy bling bling ring. Problem solved.

Countless other opportunities…

My Hawaiian plate came with two scoops of rice and one scoop of macaroni salad. Yuck. I forgot to tell them to hold the macaroni salad. Mayonnaise has always disgusted me. What could be good about combining oil and eggs? I sat, reading, nibbling on my pulled pork and rice, avoiding the morsels that had come into contact with the evil macaroni salad. A tiny moth encircled my head, fluttering, floating, diving. Right. Into. The. Macaroni. Salad.

Oh no.

I looked around, wondering where it had flown off to. I looked up. I looked to my side. I didn’t see it in the air. I peered down.

Oh no.

Death by mayonnaise.

There it lay, motionless, drowned in the macaroni salad. Poor moth. Instead of feeling disgusted, I felt somewhat vindicated. I always knew mayonnaise was bad for you. And here was indisputable proof. You, too, could suffer death by mayonnaise. Don’t do it.

I was shocked when I saw the man in front of us cradling a newborn who couldn’t have been more than 2 weeks old. A few minutes later my companion expressed same disbelief. It wasn’t just a girl thing.

Later in the game, as foul balls were being hit our way, the man in front of us turned to his friends. “I’m going to make ESPN’s top ten. I’m going to catch a foul ball, bare-handed, while also holding a baby. That’s what I’m talking about.”

The two men he was with laughed. The woman half jokingly said, “If your wife sees you on tv trying to catch foul balls and not doing the duck and cover with the baby, you’re going to be on a list alright. And it ain’t going to be ESPN’s. That’s what I’m talking about.”

She opened the refrigerator, filled with beverages of all varieties: beer, water, teas, sodas. “What would you like?”

“I think I’ll have a beer.”

“Heineken, Beck’s, Pilsner, or, let’s see, New Cast Stile.”

???

I glanced at the familiar brown and gold label and laughed. “Could that be Newcastle?”

Three of us were having lunch poolside, enjoying the sun, catching up on girly conversation.

“So he says to me, ‘The difference between men and women is that women have to account for every moment and every person they’ve been with since they’ve last seen each other. Men don’t give a damn.’”

I thought for a moment. “That’s so not true.”

Later, two others joined us. We had all had dinner together on Friday night. As one slid into the cool, shallow water, she enthusiastically asked, “So, what’s everyone been up to since Friday night?”

After the laughter subsided we went around, telling who and what we’ve done in the 72 hours since last seeing each other. Maybe he had a point.

She’s telling me about a recent first date experience.

“The conversation had come to a lull and he blurts out, ‘So what bothers you?’

What kind of question is that? To what extent do I admit my rage? Are we talking world hunger, wars, the standard beauty pageant answer? Or do I admit that it drives me crazy that the deli guy at Safeway doesn’t speak English?”

The weekend with the godchildren went well. All chores and homework were completed by the time the parents arrived home and there were no deaths to report. I know that I enjoyed a weekend away from the craziness of urban living and I think they enjoyed a deviation from their normal routine.

Thursday

All business. Homework started as soon as they arrived home from Day 2 of school. Piano practice. Dogs walked. Dinner. Baths. Bedtime stories. All lights out by 9:45 pm. At which point I was somewhat at a loss. I’ve never finished my day by 9:45. What to do? I relaxed in the sitting room, enjoying an unprecedented stretch of time to read, uninterrupted by sirens blaring in the street, footsteps and arguments upstairs, drunks yelling as they stumbled home from bars. Solitude. Peace. Quiet. Wow.

Friday

So this is what it feels like to be responsible for others. Making sure they wake up on time. Making sure they take their vitamins. Making sure they have everything necessary for school: homework, lunches, book bags. Making sure they leave the house on time. Walking the dogs. And still having time to play the piano before leaving for work. This isn’t so bad after all.

Friday evening. We’re all in the oldest’s room, sprawled on the bed, laid across the floor. “What are we going to do tonight?” I asked excitedly. “We can do anything we want! What do you feel like?” I was met by blank stares and mumbles of “I don’t know…” Teenagers.

We picked up Japanese takeout and rented 3 DVDs from Blockbuster, “Ella Enchanted,” “13 Going On 30,” and “Chasing Liberty.” The daughter definitely has the strongest personality. But the boys didn’t complain. While not the highest quality movies, they were entertaining nonetheless. In between movies we talked about technology. Georgie, the youngest, turned to me and asked, “Nouna, did they have color tv when you were a kid?” Oh, my god.

Saturday

Slept in, had sugar-loaded cereal for breakfast. Took the dogs to the park. Relished the hot, hot sunshine. Enjoyed lunch at a local burger joint. Returned home. And then I turned neurotic. “We are not going to watch tv all weekend. We don’t get to spend much time together. We’re going to enjoy family time (subtext: dammit. you will have fun. right now.). What game do you want to play?” They stared at me blankly. “Monopoly? Taboo? Scattegories? I see them all on the shelf. What’ll it be?”

After an eternity, the youngest said, “Let’s play Taboo.”

We decided it would be the godmother/godson team against the brother/sister team. The highlight of the game was Georgie, giving me clues, saying, “He’s the older brother of Michael. He was in the Jackson Five. He sang. He danced.” I racked my brain. “Tito?” Blank stare. “Jackie?” Violent shaking of head. “Jermaine?” More violent shaking of head. I couldn’t recall the others. Who were they? George made a strategic decision and passed. At the end of the round I asked him, “What was the card we missed? What was it?”

“Jesse Jackson.”

Oh, goodness. “Uhm, George. He wasn’t a part of the Jackson Five. He’s not related to Michael. He, uhm, well, he ran for President several years ago. He’s the leader of the Rainbow Coalition.” Again, I was met by blank stares.

“Okay, enough family games. We’re going to the City!” I declared. Within half an hour we were showered and in the car, crossing the Bay Bridge, on the way to the Metreon.

After a couple of hours of virtual bowling and Dance, Dance Revolution, and dinner at a glorified food court, we reached another decision point. “Well, we could go see ‘Hero,’ or ‘Princess Diaries 2,‘” I said, reciting movie choices. The oldest one looked at me and calmly stated, “Maybe we should head back home. It is almost 11:00.” And who’s in charge here? We followed his lead and went home, watching more DVDs and munching on popcorn until well after midnight.

Sunday

Around 1:00 pm the phone rang. It was the housekeeper. “Hi, Hilda. How are you?” “Good. Can I talk to Georgie? I want to wish him a happy birthday.” Holy crap. We had had his party last weekend. Everyone had totally forgotten his birthday was today. Damn.

While he was on the phone with the housekeeper I rallied the other two. “We totally forgot it was his birthday. What should we do?” We decided on a birthday lunch. At Chevy’s. They sing. They give you ice cream. It would be good.

Except. That it’s been several years since I’ve lived in the East Bay. What should have been a 10 minute ride to the restaurant turned into over an hour. I drove around in circles. I passed the same streets over and over. I couldn’t get to the Chevy’s. The birthday boy fell asleep in the front seat (“Shotgun! I call shotgun!”) and was awakened only when I spotted a Volkswagen Beetle and hit him, shouting, “Punchbuggy blue!”

We arrived to the restaurant and enjoyed a bland Mexican lunch, accompanied by a pitcher of virgin margaritas. It was amazing. As reticent as these teenagers normally were, at meal time they became fluent conversationalists. It was quite nice.

We returned home, finished weekend chores, read, and watched video games. The parents returned home; it was time for me to return to the City. I’m not sure it’s something I would want to do everyday, but it was a great escape for a weekend.

I’m off to babysit my godchildren tomorrow, for the weekend. I see them often, but this will be the first time in about 7 years that I’ve spent the weekend with them. Me, in charge of them. Frightening.

The last time was, well, traumatic. They were 3, 5, and 8. It didn’t start off as traumatic. We were excited about the weekend. My ex-husband and I, playing house. Babysitting the godchildren. On Saturday we took them to a local fair. We played games; we ate carnival food; we won prizes. Saturday night we went out to dinner and to the movies. Sunday morning we went to the park; we ran; we played; we had fun. All was right with the world. Until.

We came home. Georgie, the youngest, somehow escaped our attention. I’m not sure how. We were all in the same room. The two older ones were watching tv. Georgie decided to climb up, on the barstool, to get something off the counter. Which would have been fine, except he decided to pull himself up by grabbing onto the fishtank. Which proceeded to topple, crash, a deluge of water and fish. It wasn’t an aquarium. Simply a plastic fishtank with about 7 fish in it, won at the fair. Water flooded the hardwood floors. Fish went everywhere. The middle child, seeing the fish on the floor, began screaming in her high pitched voice, “Ahhhhh…. They’re dying! You killed them! The fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiishhhhhhhh……” Georgie simply sat there on the stool, mesmerized by the flowing water and the floundering fish. The oldest tried to capture the flailing fish and put them back in the tank, at the least bruising them, but more likely crushing them in the process. Steve and I, for the most part, stood there dumb-founded, not sure what to do.

At some point in time I wiped the spilled water up with paper towels. All the fish were gathered and placed back into the fish tank. We filled it up with water. Some swam, most floated to the top. “Why are they doing that?” the children asked. “They’ve been through a lot today. They’re resting,” we replied, knowing they were dead, but not sure how to explain it. Their parents would be home in a couple of hours. Let them explain it.

I thought back on this as their mother went over bedtimes, soccer practice times, morning routines, homework regimes, with me tonight. She asked me if I had any questions. “No. No questions. I think we’ll be fine. I’m just glad you don’t have fish anymore.”

She laughed. “Yes, dogs are much harder to kill.”

Oh. Please don’t say that. Please.