This may be the first time ever that I’ve not looked forward to traveling. I was back in San Francisco for less than a month since my last international jaunt, and work was intense. We moved our offices from the Presidio to the Financial District. Moves are stressful, even when you think you have thought of every possible snafu. Because most likely you haven’t.

I had just opened all my mail from the last time I was gone and cleaned my apartment when it was time to pull out my suitcase and pack for this trip. Initially I was excited that I would only be gone for 12 days. 12 days – that’s the least amount of time I’ve traveled for this job. It’s not a month, or 6 weeks, or 3 months. It’s a mere 12 days, a blink of the eye. I’ll be back home before anyone even realizes I’m gone.

At SFO, I just felt tired. When the gate agent complained that she couldn’t figure out my ticket, and wasn’t sure where my bags would end up because my ticket was half electronic and half paper ticket, I didn’t have the energy to react. I couldn’t question, I couldn’t smile, I couldn’t fight. I simply looked at her, shrugged my shoulders, and asked if she had any recommendations on where to look for my bag. Hong Kong? Bangkok? Kathmandu?

As I entered the Red Carpet Lounge, another passenger asked me how to get to a particular area. I answered, not comforted by the fact that I had the wearied look of a traveler that had been there too many times before.

And I hate this. In theory, I think that I want the opportunity to travel. I love working with our in country teams. I realize I’m incredibly lucky to have the opportunities I do to travel and experience new things. So why am I dreading it? Why do I want to spend just one more night in my comfortable bed in San Francisco?

Traveling for 4 weeks in developing countries, eating at roadside noodle stands, never getting sick.

First day back in San Francisco, having lunch at a lovely downtown establishment, resulting in food poisoning.

The flight from Phnom Penh to Bangkok is 55 minutes. I assumed we might get beverage service; it was, after all, 9.30 pm. But no, we not only received a full meal, but watching the attendants in action was incredible. Two passed out food. Another two walked up and down the aisle with pre-poured cups of water, orange juice, apple juice and Coke. Another couple walked up and down aisles with open bottles of wine, both red and white. Another came by and collected used cups as soon as you were finished. Another poured tea. Another poured coffee. It was choreographed perfectly. An act that could compete with NASCAR.

And, when I went to the bathroom, there were fresh purple orchids there. Now *that’s* attention to detail.

I recently received news that my grandmother passed away. Even though she was old, and in a nursing home, and her health was failing, this news still came as a surprise to me. Maybe not a surprise, per se, but a disappointment. I wanted to see her just once more. I had planned to see her again, in April, for her birthday. I wasn’t quite ready for her to die.

She was my last grandparent still living. I suppose I should consider myself lucky. Many of my friends my age lost their grandparents long ago. Instead, I feel as though a string has been cut, that I’m now one generation closer to death.

She also was my favorite grandparent. Yes, she was racist, ridiculously and embarrassingly so. But she also was incredibly kind. And simple. She laughed a lot. She was direct. She made us tomato sandwiches on Wonder Bread. She froze too many leftovers that were never eaten, and saved too many twist ties and scraps of tin foil that were never re-used, a child of the Depression. She plaited my hair and told me stories about dropping out of elementary school to take care of her thirteen siblings, about one of her siblings dying when he got too close to the fire and burned to death, and then going to work in the mills for what seemed like forever. Stories that I heard, but couldn’t quite comprehend. Thirteen siblings? To me, two seemed like too many. Not finishing elementary school? How was that possible? Two generations, yet a world, away.

I wonder what she was thinking, what she was cognizant of, when she died. Had she received my postcard from Laos? If so, did she know who it was from? Did she remember she had two children, five grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren? Did she recognize how much we loved her? Were her last emotions ones of peace or of the ever increasing angry and confused moods?

Grief is unpredictable. When I received my father’s email that simply said, “Please call,” I knew why. Before calling, I tried to convince myself that there were a million other reasons he could have sent an email like that. Maybe they won the lottery. Except I don’t think there is one in NC. Maybe mom fell off a ladder again. Maybe…

As soon as I heard his voice, I knew. I sat quietly as he spoke, tears running down my face. A couple of times I tried to say something and was mute. My voice simply wouldn’t come out. We hung up and then the tears, the sobs, the wailing wouldn’t subside. For hours I laid there, exhausted from the effort of crying, empty from processing this by myself. There was no one to call, no one to hug, no one to share with. Grief is strange. Over the next several days, I made arrangements, I planned, I executed, and I rarely thought about why I was leaving Cambodia early. It was only when I was in the taxi on the way to the airport that the tears returned. And haven’t stopped since.

I love to walk. Walking is difficult in Cambodia. The sidewalks always seem to be in a state of repair. When they are in working order, they usually are being used as parking spaces for both cars and motorbikes, forcing pedestrians (of which there are few) to walk in the road.

Our office is a 15 minute walk from my guesthouse. I feel it’s silly to pay a motorbike or tuk tuk driver to drive me the one or two kilometers there. Until today.

I begin the stroll to the office. As I’m walking, I get no less than 20 offers from passing motorbike drivers and tuk-tuk drivers for a ride. “Moto, lady?” “Tuk-tuk, lady?” I smile and shake my head no. As I’m forced into the street to pass a parked car on the sidewalk, a motorbike driving on the wrong side of the road literally almost runs me over. He smiles and swerves. My heart is in my throat.

I continue walking. As I start to cross the street, a motorbike rounds the curve at an alarmingly high speed and almost runs over me. I jump and decide, that as much as I like walking, it’s worth the $1 for a tuk-tuk ride to ensure I arrive to the office alive. Probably the cheapest life insurance I’ll ever purchase.

From “The Ego & the Crowd” by Nguyen Thi Chau Giang, the fiction piece in the in-flight magazine on Vietnam Airlines, my favorite lines:

Her long and straight eyelashes were like those of a cow.

***

“Stay away from me, otherwise I’ll smash you into the men in the crowd, crushing you to a pulp to bake, sprinkle with honey and serve for the public’s tasting.”

***

“My darling, I love you,” the man exclaimed quickly. “I feel sympathy for you,” she replied.

Every morning I order three glasses of hot water, a bowl and a spoon from room service. Every morning, the same sweet boy brings it to my room, looks around, smiles, and leaves.

See, I love oatmeal for breakfast. Love it, love it, love it. So I bring instant oatmeal with me when I travel. I also am not a big caffeine drinker, so I bring herbal tea with me. And I start the day very, very happy.

Tonight I returned from dinner and decided it would be nice to have a cup of tea before bedtime. As I picked up my key, I asked the front desk clerk if I could get two glasses of hot water. He laughed, said yes, then said, “We all question. We do not know. We think, why this smiley woman always order hot water and bowl, but no food? Is she making noodles?”

…that I love Laos. I bought postcards earlier in the week, but the store was out of stamps. Today at lunch I wrote postcards — 25 in all. After dinner I stopped by a mini-mart to purchase stamps. I pulled out my stack of postcards. The clerk said, “Oh, you have so many friends!” I laughed. He then took half of the postcards and started licking stamps.

I decided to let the day emerge today. I didn’t have any set plans, I was open to anything. What transpired:

• Giving alms to monks in the morning
• Breakfast with a woman from Canada and a woman from England who I met on the street
• Exploring Wat Xieng Thong
• Being offered a boat ride on the Mekong
• Exploring temples on the other side of the river
• Given a friendship bracelet by a little girl at a temple, when I politely declined, she said, “for you, no money” and tied it to my wrist
• Exploring the “Buddha cave” — descending into utter darkness with a 10 year old as my guide
• Another boat ride on the Mekong
• Fresh grilled fish for lunch
• Meeting fellow Californians at another temple
• Hour long Laos massage
• Sunset at Wat Phu Si overlooking Luang Pragang
• Shopping at the night market
• A dinner so spicy I cried at the table
• Reading on my balcony under a cool tropical breeze