See, this is what you are supposed to ask someone when they have the hiccups. Then they magically disappear. The hiccups, that is, not the person. I taught this to my co-workers and they are amazed that, for whatever strange reason, it works.

Jenifer is 6 months pregnant. The stage when it’s starting to get uncomfortable to sit for too long. The stage when the baby starts kicking and pushing and making its presence known.

This morning, she laughed as I walked past her cube. I stopped, curious. “I tried your trick last night.”

I was perplexed. Trick? What trick? What trick had I taught her about pregnancy and/or babies?

“See, we were watching tv. And the baby started kicking. At least it felt like a kick at first, but then I realized the little thing must have had the hiccups. Every couple of seconds, a small shudder. So I grabbed my belly and said to the little one, ‘When is the last time you saw a white rabbit?’ There was a momentary pause, then the shudders stopped. It even works in utero.”

“But Emily, you’re always complaining we only go to bars. Here’s our chance to go to an art gallery, for a good cause, hear some good beats, and meet new people. It’s exactly what you’ve asked for. You’re always saying we should go to 111 Minna – let’s go.”

“Lori, I’m wearing a scruffy work outfit, no makeup, I’m tired…”

“C’mon, it’ll be fun. What are you wearing? I’ll wear something similar. I just washed my face, so I have no makeup on. It’s even. Even, I tell you. It will be fun.”

“Okay. Get in a cab and meet me there.”

I couldn’t believe it. I had convinced her to go! I immediately changed out of my pajamas, ran a brush through my newly short hair, and ran down the stairs.

Ten minutes later, I sidled up to her at 111 Minna, a trendy art gallery/bar/dance club. “I love you! I’m so glad I can convince you to come out at the last minute on a school night!”

We sat down and began talking. Soon a gentleman walked over to us. He came behind me with the words, “You so gorgeous; I must sit and talk to you.”

Emily and I exchanged knowing smiles. He sat down. “Hi, I’m Emily,” she began, “this is Lori.” “Hi, I’m Richard.” That was about the only part of the conversation that made sense.

“So, how do you know Keyatta (the host of the party)?” Emily asked.

“Well, I’ve never been there, but I’ve lived in Chicago.”

Emily and I looked at each other with raised eyebrows. What did he think we said?

“No, Kenyatta. How do you know Keyatta?” she tried again.

“I’ve been here 4 years, you?” Then, to Emily, he said, “You have such baby face!”

We gave up trying to establish a mutual connection. Emily laughed and said, “Hmm. No one’s ever told me that before. Baby face. Thank you, I think. I’ve lived here 4 years.”

I began, “Well, I’ve lived here off and on for about twelve years.”

“Twelve years? You moved here as little girl?” he countered.

How had this man, who didn’t speak English as his native language, learn such cheesy pick-up lines?

This wasn’t boding well for getting Emily to come out again on a whim.

Emily graciously asked him what he did.

“For one year, I live above bar. I drunk for one year. Every night. Drink. Drink. Drink. Too much drink.”

Emily continued trying, “No, for work. What do you do for work?”

“I drive. Truck.”

We looked at each other, hoping that he wasn’t driving the truck while intoxicated for a year.

“Oh, that’s interesting. For who?” we asked.

“Warehouse. Big warehouse.”

“Really? What kind of warehouse?” We were thinking furniture, import/export, technology equipment…

“Frozen meat. Big pieces meat.”

There was no way this conversation was going to get any better.

“We’re going to go now. It was nice to meet you,” we said in unison.

He followed us to the door, perhaps making sure we were really leaving.

As we walked to the car, I looked at Emily, shaking my head. “You know, I’m just not sure what to think. How come the only guy that took marked interest in us was a toothless, drunk for a year, truck driving, cheesy pick up line specimen of a male?” We both burst into laughter.

Okay, maybe not kill him. But quiet him. Silence him.

Bill’s my upstairs neighbor. Quite a friendly guy. Quite a large guy. Large. Very large. I’m guessing 280 pounds large. Walking on hardwood floors, no carpets (because he likes the look of the wood) large.

Which wouldn’t be that bad. Not really. Except that he manages a night club. A night club that causes him to return to his hardwood floors, no carpets, I just happen to be wearing cowboy boots and will drop them above your bed, apartment at 4:30 am each and every morning of the week. And invite his friends to do likewise.

It’s gotten to the point to where even if he’s not working, I still wake up at 4:30 am. Look at the clock. Look at the ceiling. Mumble curses, turn over, and try to re-enter REM state.

It’s a difficult situation. See, I’m a heavy sleeper. So when I am awakened, I’m quite incoherent. Incoherent to the point that I don’t have my wits about me to bang on the ceiling with my broom. Incoherent to the point that I don’t have my wits to call my building manager in the middle of the night so that it becomes an important issue to her. I do talk to Bill the next day. He is extremely apologetic. And usually sends me bottles of wine. With sweet notes. “I’m terribly sorry about the noise. Please accept this with my sincerest apologies.” Which I do.

But right now I would rather have a solid night’s sleep. Shhhh.

It was hard. Due to the six “nondisclosure, you will be arrested and never seen again if you reveal or discuss any of the information on this test” statements that I signed, I can’t say much more.

You, Too, Can Be a Government Employee

Chuck had suggested it many months ago. We decided that yes, it was a good idea. We could study for it together, sharing resources, pushing the others to do their best. We registered in mid-January.

And the test is tomorrow. The Foreign Service Exam. We never studied together as a group. I barely studied individually. I had grand plans, I did. I would tackle a new subject each week. Fifteen in all: English usage, United States government, United States political system, United States Constitution, United States foreign policy, United States history, United States society, customs, and culture, World history, World geography, Economics, Mathematics and statistics, Psychology and human behavior, Management principles, Public communications and media, and Computer applications. Then I would be ready.

Today a friend asked me if I was nervous. “No. Not really. I mean, I definitely could have studied more. But I didn’t. I could have been more prepared. But I’m not. So I’ll do my best. If it seems like something I really want to pursue, I’ll have a year to study before the next test.” Except I probably won’t. Study, that is. Seems like I always have great intentions….

Gloomaway

My new favorite bath product from Origins. Just reading its label makes me smile. Gloomaway! Gloomaway! Be gone! All thoughts of malice!

Clean Sweep

My first memories are of my mother chiding me to clean up my room. I would argue, claiming my room was clean, albeit messy. I’m a stacks girl. I love to have multiple projects occurring simultaneously. You walk into my apartment and see a photo album project stacked here, piles of mending stacked there, letters to respond to stacked over there, magazines yet unread stacked here. I feel guilty each night when I return to my apartment, thinking I really should clean my apartment, just in case a friend were to drop by. I begin the task, then immediately am distracted. Maybe I should finish that book, so I can reshelve it. Maybe I should just read that article, so I can put the magazine in the recycling. That’s more efficient, isn’t it? Needless to say, I never really make any progress. My apartment still has piles everywhere.

My company is being sold. Most people have responded with utter chaos. Oh, my god. What will we do? Who will buy us? How will we survive? It doesn’t bother me. I’m comfortable with chaos. I’ve been able to continue my projects, actually more focused than ever, not worrying about the future. Until now. The email came out. Basically, clean your cube and dress nicely. The buyers are coming to visit.

I’m the type of worker who leaves all papers spread out on her desk when she leaves for the day because then I’ll know exactly where to begin when I arrive the next morning. I don’t really use my file folders until the project is completely finished.

I considered it somewhat serendipitous that the same day the “clean your cube, dress nicely” email arrived in my inbox, the link for this article did as well. I’m definitely not a man, but maybe I could take some pointers from him. I tried his technique tonight, and I’m sad to say, it didn’t work. “The average guy gets distracted so easily,” he explained. Yeah, I do too. My apartment still has piles, but two New Yorkers are in the recycling. I guess that could be considered progress. At least for me it is.

Mmmmm…

We were walking down Powell Street, heading towards Northstar Bar in North Beach. Chatting – how was your week? What’s been going on? Any new dates?

We smelled them first. Grill. Smoke. Meat. We each inhaled more deeply. No mistaking. Yes, meat. Grilled meat. Delicious, scrumptious, grilled meat. We passed by the tiny Weber grill. He said, “Hey, can I have a pork chop?”

The response. “Sure, here you go.”

We were reluctant.

They were giving away pork chops?

What was this?

“Really?” he asked. “You’re giving away pork chops?” Yes. Yes. Here. Take one. We do this every Saturday.

He took one, wrapped in foil. He tore a few bites off then offered it to me. Lime. Tequila. Heaven. I chewed, then turned for another bite. “So good. Mmm. So good,” was all I could say.

We walked in silence, savoring the exquisite taste of the pork chops. He tore the last bite from the bone, then looked at me before throwing away the foil in which it had been wrapped. We both nodded. A culinary delight. Found. On the streets of North Beach. Mmmmm.

Dreams

First, he called me saying he had a dream that we were on a train, barreling through the middle of nowhere. Fair enough. Not a strange dream. Could be interpreted in many ways. One of which being, we’re on The Amazing Race, traveling through the unknown.

A few days later he called again. “Do you have a minute?” “Sure,” I replied. “Okay, so last night, here’s what I dreamed. We were at the edge of a body of water. It was a swim challenge. We were discussing who should do it – you or me. I argued that I should do it, because you had done all the tasks so far and I looked like a wimp. You argued that you were a better swimmer. We argued, back and forth, back and forth. Next thing I know, you’ve dived into the water. ”

“Really? I did that?” I responded.

“Yeah. And I was so pissed. That’s so not teamwork.”

“Sorry,” I offered, feeling a little regret, yet knowing that’s what I would have done in real life.

“But then, I watched you swim. And I thought to myself, ‘Damn. She really is a better swimmer.’”

Them’s Some Fortunes…

We were invited to a birthday/Easter party where 7 people of the 15 invitees would be celebrating April birthdays. Emily arrived at my apartment; we were going to BART over together.

“We can’t just show up empty-handed. I mean, it is a birthday party after all. Even if it is for 7 people.”

“But it’s 7 people. It’s not like it’s just one person and the party is all for them. Do we really need to bring gifts?”

“I’d feel better if we brought at least a little something (this being said half an hour before we were scheduled to leave).”

“How about Easter baskets? That would be appropriate. Let’s go to Chinatown and pick some up on the way to BART.”

Minutes later, we wandered through Chinatown. Nary an Easter basket to be found. Emily sighed. “I’m not sure what I was thinking. I guess Chinatown really isn’t the best place to buy Easter presents.”

“Well, I’m sure we could find something – let’s go in here.”

We perused the tiny shop. “Hey! Let’s get red envelopes and put lottery tickets in them – combined with some Easter candy, that’s a fun gift!”

Emily piped up, “And here are fortune cookies! That’s fun, too!”

Within 45 minutes, we were on BART, headed to our destination, with all seven birthday/Easter gift bags packaged together, full of red envelopes, lottery tickets, fortune cookies, and Easter novelties. Emily handed me a fortune cookie. She smiled, “I got two extra – one for you and one for me.”

I love fortune cookies, just for the hope of what it might say. Emily read hers first, “Fat Fong say: 50 year old men are like bananas – the older they get the less firm they are.” We looked at each other in surprise. “What’s yours say?” she asked.

I broke my cookie open and munched on half of it as I read, “He who thinks with his head is smart – he who thinks with his other one is happy.”

We burst out laughing. Considering the recipients, the dirty fortune cookies were so apropos, even though they had been obtained by pure accident.