A Little Bit of Heartbreak

It’s weird when the people that birthed you no longer exist.

Dad passed away last year. Mom still remembered my birthday last year, but this year had no idea.

A dear friend gave me a mini birthday cake. Even a mini cake was too much for me to eat on my own, so I cut a slice and then boxed up the rest to take to Mom and her caregiver. I passed the cake off at a distance, in the breezeway area outside of Mom’s facility (still no visitors allowed inside). Mom looked in the bag and exclaimed, “Is it my birthday?” I laughed and said, “No, Mom.” She asked, “Well, why the cake?” I told her it was my birthday and she said, “Really????” Yes, I told her with a smile.

I had many calls, texts, emails, and video calls from friends today. I am so appreciative and so grateful of the outpouring of love and friendship. And yet, the people that were there when I was born are no more. It’s part of growing older, it’s the cycle of life, and it’s also so very heartbreaking.

9 responses to “A Little Bit of Heartbreak”

  1. Michael in Seattle Avatar
    Michael in Seattle

    ♥ Happy Birthday, Lori. And many, many more. ♥

    Reply
    1. Lori McLeese Avatar
      Lori McLeese

      Thank you, Michael!

      Reply
  2. Sue Keefe Avatar
    Sue Keefe

    A happy happy birthday to you. Remember that the day you were born was probably one of the most joyful days in your Mother’s life. She may not remember the details now, but surely they brought her great happiness for many, many years when she was able to celebrate your birthday with you. Nothing will ever take that time away. My parents and my only sibling, my younger sister, have all passed on now. Living or not, our spirits all merge on these special days. I hope the memory of your parents’ presence with you– in mind and body–will continue to be with you this year and every year.

    Reply
    1. Lori McLeese Avatar
      Lori McLeese

      This is such a lovely thought, Sue. Thank you. ❤

      Reply
  3. jackie alcalde Avatar
    jackie alcalde

    Happy Birthday, Lori. I know what you mean about the circle of life. Sometimes I can hold it in a positive, philosophical way. It is reality. And sometimes it just sucks. Your friend Sue said it so nicely.
    Hope it’s a fantastic year for you. Your parents are surely proud of the person you are, whether they’re still on this earth or they’re somewhere even better.

    Reply
    1. Lori McLeese Avatar
      Lori McLeese

      Thank you, Jackie! I hope you are doing well. Miss you!

      Reply
  4. ilk2010 Avatar
    ilk2010

    So Happy Birthday, dear Lori!

    And a few supporting wisdoms from Rilke and Khalil Gibran:

    Phases
    Versions: #1#2
    As every flower wilts and youth
    gives way to age, so unfolds every phase,
    all the wisdom and virtue
    when it so does – and know that none lasts forever.
    With every call of life, the heart
    must be ready to part and start
    again, in courage and joy,
    surrendering to new, otherly liasons, as
    In the core of every beginning lives magic
    Magic that protects us and helps us live.

    We are to stride along spaces, joyously,
    clinging to none as thought it was home
    the world soul does not seek to fetter and confine us;
    phase after phase it wants to elevate and expand us.
    slumber grows threatening as soon as we,
    immersed in coziness, become used
    to a cycle in our lives –
    Only those ready to part, depart
    may rid themselves of paralyzing habits.

    Perhaps, as the call of life in us finds no end,
    at the hour of our death we are still
    to be faced with novel spaces. walk on then,
    be off, be well!,
    oh sweet heart of ours.

    —

    On Children
    Kahlil Gibran – 1883-1931

    And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
    And he said:
    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
    You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

    So your mom went with you as far as she could but lifes in a differnt house.
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which she cannot visit, not even in her dreams.
    … For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    All the best!

    Reply
    1. Lori McLeese Avatar
      Lori McLeese

      Thank you for these two beautiful poems, a lovely reminder of a way forward. ❤

      Reply
  5. ilk2010 Avatar
    ilk2010

    You are welcome!
    Unfortunetly Rilke is of German origin and doesn’t come through 100% in english. But it always comes to my mind when times are troubled and it is time to move on. I wish you a lot of strength during the “time of transition” with your parents and hope you find your inner balance and your way forward.

    Reply

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