Part 1
Place: Hipster San Francisco bar

I listened to the three perfectly manicured women sitting next to me at the bar.

1 – “Has Anna gained weight recently? I remembered her as, like, stick thin. She’s looking a little plump.”
2 – “I think so. She’s certainly not stick thin anymore.”
3 – “Like totally not. But she has lost weight. I mean, she was stick thin, then she gained a lot of weight, and now she’s lost some. But she’s still not as thin as she used to be.”

I sipped my cosmopolitan, pretending to read the extensive drink specials on the wall across from me.

The bartender mixed their drinks, seemingly impervious to their chatter, shake, shake, shake. As he poured, in a dry voice he announced, “Yeah, she is so not stick thin anymore. She’s totally let herself go.”

The girls twittered politely, clinked their glasses, and returned to discussing acquaintances. Shortly thereafter, one gathered her belongings, blew air kisses here and there, and started towards the door. “Careful,” the bartender warned, “as soon as you walk out that door you’ll put on 20 pounds.”

Part 2
Place: Morning BART train

All was silent, except for the 20-something in the not-quite pressed business suit. On his cell phone, in the almost empty car, he began, “Dude. It was awesome. Totally.”

pause

“Naw. She’s still there. I had to, dude. I’ve got this meeting I had to go to. I’m on my way to the airport right now. Otherwise, I’d still be there. Dude, you want the time of your life, you should go to my apartment.”

pause

“Maybe she is stealing all of my stuff. It was totally worth it. She was hot. No, I don’t think she’s stealing my things. I mean, she seemed nice. She has a graduate degree.”

pause

“No, she said it was the first time she’d ever posted an ad. Maybe she is stealing my stuff. But I had to leave her there. Man, she was totally hot. Like, so hot. And shaved. Bare, dude, bare.”

I’d refrained from looking at the loud talker until that moment. I glance up, amazed that he was promoting his previous night’s promiscuity so openly. Right above him was an advertisement:

Please be courteous when using cell phones on BART.
Keep conversation to a minimum.
Only use in case of emergency.
Keep voice low.

Oh the irony.