Home of the Whopper

“For here or to go?” As Tricia and I began to say, “To go” Emily had already told the order taker, “For here.” We looked at her questioningly. The one inconsistency in Tricia’s otherwise flawless character is that she loves Burger King. Absolutely adores it, craves it, can’t get enough of it. And since it was her birthday celebration, she got to choose where we would eat. So here we were, at Burger King, in a somewhat questionable area of town. “Are you sure?” we tested Emily. “Yeah, we don’t want it to get cold on the way home. Let’s eat it here, while it’s hot.” For some reason neither Tricia or I wanted to blurt out the politically incorrect, “But it’s dirty here. There are homeless people circling. There are drug dealers right outside the door, ready to peddle their wares.” Instead we nonchalantly shrugged our shoulders and headed to a table.

As we ate our double cheeseburgers and chicken whoppers, still steaming hot, a dazed woman swooped over our table, veering somewhat uncontrollably. With a glazed look in her eyes, she muttered, “Sorry, ladies, sorry,” and swooped away. We continued our conversation. Another woman approached us, “Ladies, ladies,” she slurred. She held out flowers, in a motion to sell them to us. “We’re not interested, but thanks,” Emily offered. “No, no, no, listen to me. Listen to me NOW!” as she came precariously close to our faces. “We really don’t want anything, thanks,” Emily tried again. “I ain’t trying to sell you anything. I… I… I…” she looked at the bouquet in her hand. “I… I want to tell you a joke!” Emily tried again, firmly saying, “We’re trying to have a conversation, we really don’t want to hear a joke.” She huffed away, beginning a tirade that got louder and louder the longer it went on. “I just wanted to tell you a JOKE! You would ‘ave laughed. Yeah. No! No, you wouldn’t ‘ave. You’re probably too stupid to even laugh at my joke. You’re too stupid and too ugly. Yeah. Real ugly. I used to be a yuppie too. But I wasn’t an ugly yuppie. I wasn’t a bitch. You’re all ugly and stupid. STUPID.”

Tricia glanced up. “Two words. Take out.”

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