Theft!

My identity has been stolen. Well, not in all places. Only at Safeway.

I often forget my Safeway Club card, entitling me to special discounts only available to Safeway Club card members. In lieu of the actual card, I key in my telephone number and have the discount automatically register. On my receipt, it gives me the amount saved, the percentage saved, and a personalized thank you. When the cashier tears the receipt from the register, he or she always glances at the data, then says, “Thank you, Ms. … McLeese. Have a great day.” They usually hesitate slightly before uttering “McLeese,” something I’ve gotten used to.

Then one day last week I went to a different Safeway. I keyed in my phone number, received my discount, and prepared to leave. “Thank you, Ms. … Ms. … Viravan. Have a nice day.”

I looked at the cashier somewhat perplexed, but took the receipt with a smile. Sure enough, my Safeway Club card number was there, with Chalisa Viravan’s name right next to it.

Chalisa Viravan? Do I look like a Chalisa Viravan? Heavens no. Chalisa Viravan conjures up images of Zsa Zsa Gabor. Or Charo. It’s a glamorous name.

Now when shopping at Safeway, I feel a little bit more sexy, a little bit more bewitching. They don’t look at me and see Lori, they see Chalisa.

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