Crying

Tonight I walked into an empty house. 

After this night, and others that were much worse, with screams, and fists, and chases, and physical restraints, and bruises, and drinks (hot and cold) thrown at me, I made the decision to move Mom to memory care. Memory care is sort of a modern day euphemism for Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. It’s a locked facility about 30 minutes south of here, and when I toured it, it instinctively felt like a home, not an institution. I liked the staff; I placed a deposit. 

Yesterday I took artwork, kitchen items, hanging clothes, pictures, linens. Anything I could easily fit in my car. I spent the day cleaning, measuring, hanging artwork and photos, and envisioning where furniture could go. Today we had a plan. A solid plan. I thought. 

Movers would show up between noon and 6 pm. My sister, Ashley, along with Mom’s caretaker, would leave the house at noon and go to CVS to have Mom’s TB test read. They would go to lunch at Mom’s favorite restaurant, and then meet me at her Alzheimer’s doctor’s office at 2 pm. After the appointment, I would go to Mom’s new home and finish setting up, so that when Ashley dropped her off tomorrow, everything would be set up. Ashley and Mom would go on an “adventure” and spend the night at a hotel, so that she wouldn’t see the things gone from our home. A dear friend agreed to be on call in case the movers came around the time I needed to go to the doctor’s appointment (they did). When she arrived around 1 pm; I was wiping away tears. With compassion, she asked, “Why are you crying?” 

I’ve thought about that question all day. 

I’m crying because I tried and it didn’t work.

I’m crying because I’m watching the brain of someone I love deteriorate, slowly.

I’m crying because trying and willpower and enthusiasm and optimism are no match for Alzheimer’s.

I’m crying because I’ve built a life with Mom. A life with challenges, but a life I’m very grateful for that I won’t have anymore.

I’m crying because it pains me to see others in pain, and she’s so tormented by false memories. She thinks Dad is still alive, and he’s left her for another woman, and she’s trying to lure him back. 

I’m crying because I’m grieving the loss of my last surviving parent. She’s physically still alive, and yet I feel I’ve lost her. 

I’m crying because I wonder if I gave up too early.

I’m crying because it’s all I know how to do right now.

The Cruelty of Hope

Mom’s headaches have increased in frequency and intensity since Monday, to the point where today she held her head in her hands, bent over, crying. Her physical therapist called me after their session and encouraged me to check her blood pressure. I did, and it was much higher than usual, in the “red” zone when she’s usually squarely in the “green.”

After a telehealth appointment with her general practitioner, a CT scan was ordered, asap. Her doctor asked if I thought she would be still for the imaging, as that was very important. I sighed heavily. “I don’t think so.” Her doctor asked if I would be open to her taking a sedative before the scan, which I was.

I gave Mom the sedative before we left for the hospital, anticipating a fight once we arrived. Instead, Mom walked right in, pointed to a chair, and said she’d wait there while I stood in line to register her. While we waited to be called, Mom leaned over and said, “Daddy’s upstairs, right?” I nodded. Our chairs overlooked a picture window, framing the mountains as the sun was setting, the dusky blush sky a perfect backdrop for the hazy blue mountains.

She laid still for the CT scan. We waited for the results. She talked about how it had been so long since she had seen Daddy, at least three or four days, and she wondered where he was. She asked where we were and I told her. The CT scan came back clear, no sign of a brain bleed or a tumor. We walked back to the car, arm in arm, her mumbling jibberish.

As we ate dinner at home, she wanted to know what we were, churchwise. She asked if we were Methodist or Presbyterian. She asked if we had been at a hospital earlier. She pondered why it had been so long since she had seen Dad. After dinner we ate ice cream, then sat on the couch to watch The Golden Girls. She laced her hand in mine, and so clearly and coherently talked about how difficult it was after Daddy died. That it was hard to watch him suffer, and it was hard on her once he passed. That she loved him so much. She joked that I better find a man. This, this, is the Alzheimer’s Mom that I’ve grown accustomed to. The sweet one.

“Did Daddy ever had any children?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know who they were?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“Well, there was Greg…”

“Oh, yes.”

“And then me…”

“You?”

“Yep! And then Ashley…”

She snuggled closer to me.

And it didn’t even bother me that she didn’t know I was her and Daddy’s child. Her asking was so tender. Her reflections so true. I knew that this behavior would wear off once the sedative did. And that tomorrow we will likely go back to yesterday’s behavior. And I’ll still need to make the difficult decision of what to do next: round the clock caregivers, or moving her to a facility. Or some other option I don’t even know about yet.

And it didn’t matter. I savored the sweetness of the evening, having Alzheimer’s Mom back, even if just for a moment.

The Mother of My Childhood in Five Acts

Act I

“Everything is about you!” she screamed. “You, you, you,” she screeched, slapping me. “I never get anything. You never do anything for me. Outside – look! Nothing’s done!”

The time was 10:47 am, Wednesday, March 2, 2022.

This was the moment that I broke. It has been almost three years since I’ve been her caretaker. The grieving period was sad, but also comforting, a shared experience as we both grieved, and missed, Dad so terribly. I could manage her memory loss with patience. But now. I just stared at her, and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t respond with compassion. This was the mother I knew. I was silent, tears running down my cheeks.

“You are so dumb!” she yelled.

I realized I was holding my breath, so I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I turned the faucet on at full blast and sobbed as quietly as possible.

Her caretaker had called out sick. I just had to make it til 12:45 pm and then I could take her to adult day care. Two hours might have well have been a lifetime.

Kelly answered the phone. “May I please bring her in early? Please?” I was trying to be professional, trying to choke back the sobs. She asked me if I was okay. I heard myself whimper, “I need help. Please.”

I drove Mom to adult day care, and as we walked in, she snarled, “Oh, you’re just dumping me?” As calmly as possible, I responded, “You asked to come to work early today, Mom. That’s why we’re here.” She nodded and walked off.

Act II

At pickup time, I walked in and found her sitting beside Kelly, arms crossed, and mouth set in a hard frown. This couldn’t be good.

“Hey, Mom! How’s it going?” I asked, trying to normalize the oh so not normal situation. “They don’t understand! They’re so stupid! My husband is dying!” and she started crying. Kelly gave me the most compassionate look as she said, “She’s had a hard day.” “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

See, I know the wrath that Mom can unleash. It took me years of therapy to work through it. There is no amount of money that would compensate being on the receiving end of that treatment. Kelly assured me it was okay and pleaded for me to take care of myself.

Act III

At dinner she pontificated. “I KNOW what I have to do. They’re so stupid! They tried to… Ugh. I told them LEAVE ME ALONE. And they just pointed. I told them if they did it again I’d cut their heads off.”

Normally I just nod along and agree with whatever Mom is saying. Today I couldn’t.  I just stared, and I felt hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

Act IV

She could barely walk. The sleeping pill was taking effect. I tucked her into bed and told her I’d see her in the morning. “Unless I die.” I told her I hoped she didn’t die, because I’d like to spend another day with her.

I returned downstairs to finish up some work. I heard her get out of bed and stumble towards the staircase. I flicked on the lights and told her she needed to go to bed. “YOU ARE SO DUMB! GOD!” I wondered if I would be able to carry her up the stairs if she fell asleep in a chair or on the couch. I don’t think I could. She stumbled into the kitchen, and I returned to my office.

After much too long of a silence, I walked into the kitchen, and found her trying to pour hot tea from the electric kettle into the cookie jar. I took the electric kettle from her and she screamed. I screamed, too. A very loud, very shrill, “GAH!” Will the neighbors hear? I honestly don’t care.

She sat down in a chair in the living room, knees curled up under her nightgown, staring into space. I let her be. Half an hour later, she wandered into my office. “Can I tell you?” “Yes, Mom.” “The children. The boys, the girls. I wanted them to be okay. I’m going upstairs now.”

ACT V

For the first time since she moved in with me, I wonder:

  • Is this really the best situation?
  • Is she safe here?
  • What if I had been asleep when she tried to descend the stairs in the dark?
  • How much longer can I do this?

And I do. not. know.

The Honeymoon Is Over

For the past two years, life with Mom has been sweet. Alzheimer’s is such a debilitating disease, and the silver lining was that she was so loving and so sweet.

The honeymoon is over.

It started about a month ago. She insisted she witnessed a child being beheaded. My immediate reaction was, “No! That didn’t happen!” thinking that may reassure her that it was a bad nightmare. Big mistake. She screamed at me, “It did! I saw it!” so then I resorted to, “Oh my goodness. That must have been so terrible, Mom. I’m so sorry you saw that.” And she would cry. And cry. And cry. And retell a strikingly similar story each day. And become just as upset. This would go on for hours. Nothing would console her. I reached out to her doctor and we adjusted her medicine.

After a few weeks, one day she didn’t talk about the child who was beheaded. And I thought to myself, “Thank goodness that phase is over.”

Lordy. We’re now in the “I hate you!” “Get away from me!” “How could you be so mean to me?” phase. She has an uncanny knack of waiting to melt down until I’m on a work call. She storms into my office, crying, screaming, and stomping her feet. I attempt not to look at her and continue with my call, nonplussed. I text her caregiver to please come get her. She screams at her caregiver, shoos her away, and tells her to go away and get out of her house.

I try comforting her. It doesn’t help. I try ignoring her. It doesn’t help. I try talking to her logically. That really doesn’t help. I try agreeing and sympathizing with her. Not helpful.

Tonight she was so angry at me that she threw her purse in the middle of the floor, stormed up the steps, and slammed her bedroom door. I didn’t hear anything for a while, so I went upstairs and found her lying in bed, sobbing. I sat down beside her and she screamed, “Get out!” “Mom, I’m sorry you’re so upset. I love you so much. I brought you your medicine.” “I DON’T NEED MEDICINE! GET OUT!”

She did need her medicine. It’s a sleeping pill so that she sleeps through the night. Otherwise, she wakes up around 2 am, hysterical, and comes into my room.

“GET OUT!” “Mom, I’ll leave as soon as you take your medicine.” “I CAN DO THIS TOO.” “I know you can, Mom. Take your medicine and I’ll leave you alone.” “I SAID, GET OUT!” and she pulled all the covers over her head so she couldn’t see me. “I’m going to sit here until you’re ready to take your medicine.” After a few minutes she said, “FINE. GIVE IT TO ME!” She started to sit up, and I handed her the small pill. With one movement, she tossed the pill over her shoulder as if she were making a wish at a fountain. “THERE!”

I really tried to keep my composure, and I couldn’t help but laughing. “Mom, I’ll bring you another pill. I have a whole bottle. When you’re ready to take it, let me know, and then I’ll leave you alone.” I got another pill and brought it to her. She laid in bed, sobbing. I sat beside her, quietly. Finally, she said, “ok” and took the pill.

I tucked her in, kissed her forehead, and told her I loved her.

“Just go away….” she whimpered.

Lucky, Insignificant, and Grateful

Today’s Bloganuary prompt:

How do you feel when you look at the stars?

I feel lucky. Bright, sparkling stars in a dark sky are magical. I feel lucky to be in the presence of something so beautiful. And if I see a shooting star? I’m taken back to when I was seven, and our family was vacationing at Ocean Isle, and there was a massive meteor shower. We laid on top of the pergolas that led to the beach. Laying on our backs, shouting, “Look!” “There’s one!” “Ooooooooh!” For what seemed like hours we laid there, enjoying the night sky.

When I see a sky full of stars, I feel lucky to be a part of a world where my presence is insignificant. That there is a big, wide, amazing world (worlds?) out there. That what I’m seeing is light years away. That I’m seeing the stars as they were previously, not as they are now. That perception is constantly changing.

And I’m grateful. For another day. Another night.

Buying All The Things…

I generally avoid taking Mom to stores in person. There’s the whole COVID thing, but even more importantly, it generally ends in tantrums and fits, which I haven’t figured out how to handle. And this weekend, she wore me down. She was incessant. “Why can’t we buy something?” “Let’s go to the places where they sell things.” “Can we do the thing where we get all the things?”

I needed a dryer clamp to re-attach the vent to the dryer. “Would you like to come to Ace Hardware with me, Mom?” “Oh, yes!” she exclaimed excitedly. She dutifully carried the shopping basket as I browsed dryer clamps. She was intoxicated by the selection of all the things. She ran her hand gingerly over the vents, and pipes, and tapes, mesmerized. After selecting the proper clamp, I indulged her by walking up and down each aisle, even though we didn’t need anything else. She asked if we could buy a couple of plants, one with pink blossoms, another with white. We added them to our basket and checked out.

In the car, she asked where we were going next. I told her home, and she burst into tears. “You promised me colors!” she sobbed. I had no idea what’s she was talking about. “You got some colors. You have pink, and white, and green,” I say, pointing to the plant she’s holding. “Noooooooooo! The purple, and the blue!” I’m flummoxed. “Mom, I don’t understand. Tell me what you mean.” She wails, “I’m so stupid!” “No, Mom, you’re not stupid. Tell me once more what you’d like so that we can go to the right place to get it.” “SHUT UP!”

I have patience. Until I don’t.

“I’m sorry. Did you just tell me to shut up?” She sobs quietly. She eventually tells me she wants to buy clothes.

We enter Target, and she pushes the buggy. We walk up and down aisles. She gazes longingly at the items. We are in the children’s section, and she picks up a sweater set, size 24 months. “So beautiful…” “It is pretty, Mom.” “I want to buy it.” “For who, Mom?” “LORI!” she shouts exasperated. “For me!” “Mom, this is children’s clothing. This won’t fit you. Let’s head over to the adult section.” “LORI! You don’t know what you’re talking about. Of course this will fit.” I place the sweater set back on the rack and we make our way to the adult clothing section. She pouts and sullenly follows me to the women’s clothing section.

“Oh! I like this one! Can I have it? Do we have any money?” “Yes, we have money. That’s really pretty.” I hold it up to her to make sure it will fit. “It looks like it will fit. If you’d like it, you can have it.” “I need three, or four.” “Why don’t you pick out three for today?” We walk through the department, and she lovingly caresses each sweater, exclaiming how beautiful each one is. She chooses three, and I tell her good job, and we’ll check out now. “NOOOOOOOOOO!” she yells and starts crying. People turn their heads and stare. “Mom, you’ve got some beautiful sweaters; let’s pay for them and go home.” This is my first mistake. Thinking that logic will resonate. Still sobbing, she blubbers, “You don’t let me have anything.” Again, I try logic. “Mom, you have three beautiful sweaters. Let’s walk towards the check-out.” “I hate you!” and she stomps her foot.

I want, so badly, to grab her by the arm and drag her to the check-out. And I’m overcome by a sense of deja vu.

I’m four years old, and we’re shopping at the downtown Sears. I’m not sure what I’ve done, but Mom is not happy with me. She grabs my arm, by my teeny tiny bicep, hard, and yanks me through the store. I remember her yelling at me, saying that she would never take me out in public again.

Back in present day, I sigh. I hug Mom and she pushes me away. I start walking towards the front of the store, and she walks a few steps behind me, stopping every so often to look at something. She’ll catch up with me and add something to the cart. When she stops to look at something else, I take it out of the cart and hang it, in the wrong place, in the wrong department, saying a silent apology to the team members working that day. Occasionally, I turn to look and she’s not there, so I backtrack, wondering which department she’s snuck into. After a half hour of this, we make it to the check-out and are on our way home.

We pull up in front of our house and before I can turn off the car, she turns to me, “Can we go shopping?”

Shhhh….

Today’s Bloganuary prompt:

Where do you go when you need solitude?

If I have the luxury of time, I head to the mountains. One of my favorite things to do is hike without the consideration of time. Wandering up hills, down paths, staring at the sky, sitting still on a rock or hillside, embracing the quiet. It’s my time to think about hard things, or nothing at all.

If I don’t have the luxury of time, I head to my back deck. Our house is built on a hill, so even though the deck is off the main floor, it’s among the treetops. In the summer, I’m surrounded by a canopy of hemlocks and maples, green all around. In the winter, it’s more stark, but still offers me a quiet escape, even if only for a few minutes.

Sing, Sing a Song

Today’s Bloganuary prompt:

What is on your music playlist right now?

I don’t really have playlists. I love music. I love playing the piano. I love listening to live bands. I love listening to music on the radio or on Pandora. But I have never taken the time to curate a playlist.

If Mom and I are in the living room, then it’s a Pandora “Classical Music” station. Lots of Pachelbel and Bach and Beethoven. She “journals” – cuts up the daily newspaper and tapes it into a composition notebook. Sometimes right side up, sometimes upside down, sometimes mismatching articles. And coloring around the newspaper clippings with colored Sharpie markers. I’m generally clearing out my email inbox or reading. The classical music is a lovely background for either.

If I’m in the car, it’s usually the Hamilton soundtrack. I know it’s years old, and I still can’t resist singing along, very loudly. It brings back such lovely memories of seeing Hamilton in San Francisco with my theater gals, and with my parents. And memories of a Hamilton-themed Bat Mitzvah, so much dancing and exuberant joy with good friends.

I Love to Laugh

Today’s Bloganuary prompt:

What is your favorite part about yourself?

Without a doubt, my smile/sense of humor/laughter. That’s kind of three things, but more like multiple sides of the same coin/die. I love to laugh, and I laugh often. It makes me so happy when people like to tell jokes. I generally can’t recall punchlines, so you can tell me the same joke multiple times and I will laugh as though it’s the first time I’ve heard it.

Mom likes to sneak up on me and tickle my neck, which drives me crazy. I’ll lift my shoulders so high I look like a turtle pulling back into her shell. We’ll pretend to tickle each other and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Word humor and puns bring me so much joy. I’m lucky that I work with really smart people who are quick witted. They’ll share plays on words and puns in Slack, and tears will run down my face because I’m laughing so hard.

I also love reminiscing and laughing at funny memories, especially if the person/people I’m reminiscing with enjoys doing so. One person will say, “Do you remember when…” and another will add a detail, and then another will jump in, and then we’re all laughing hysterically. And it feels so good when I’m laughing so hard that I can barely breathe, tears are pooling in my eyes, and my stomach hurts from guffawing.

Honey, Sweetie

Mom has been begging for a dog and cat for several weeks. I thought this was a passing fad. It’s not. Several times a day, she says, “When are we going to get a dog and cat?” She cuts out pictures of dogs and cats from the newspaper and leaves them on my desk. When she asks, I tell her, “Sure. We’ll look for one soon.” All the while hoping she’ll forget about this desire. (Note: I would love to get a dog, and I don’t feel I could successfully take that on right now.)

One of my water aerobics pals suggested a robotic pet. I did some research, and it seemed robotic pets are a popular solution for people with dementia who want an animal. I ordered this cat, and hoped for the best. It arrived today while Mom was at adult day care. I unboxed it, disposed of the box in the recycling, and familiarized myself with the cat. It purrs, it meows, it lifts its paw, and it sheds (really? that’s a feature of a fake pet?).

When we arrived home, I told Mom to sit on the couch and close her eyes because I had a surprise for her. She closed her eyes tightly, and I brought the cat in. I placed it in her lap, and told her to open her eyes. She stroked the cat, smiled, looked at me, and said, “It isn’t real.”

Well, this wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. I smiled and said, “It’s a cat! Don’t you like it?” She petted it, and it purred loudly. “Put it over there.” I wasn’t sure what she was talking about. She took the cat and placed it in front of the fireplace. “That’s where she belongs.”

She sat on the couch and looked at the cat. “Is it real?” “Yep, it’s a cat.” She walked to it and leaned over, “Hey, honey sweetie. How are you baby?” She then looked at me and asked, “Where’s the dog?”

I returned to the website and placed another order…

Mom meeting cat