The Cruelty of Hope

Mom’s headaches have increased in frequency and intensity since Monday, to the point where today she held her head in her hands, bent over, crying. Her physical therapist called me after their session and encouraged me to check her blood pressure. I did, and it was much higher than usual, in the “red” zone when she’s usually squarely in the “green.”

After a telehealth appointment with her general practitioner, a CT scan was ordered, asap. Her doctor asked if I thought she would be still for the imaging, as that was very important. I sighed heavily. “I don’t think so.” Her doctor asked if I would be open to her taking a sedative before the scan, which I was.

I gave Mom the sedative before we left for the hospital, anticipating a fight once we arrived. Instead, Mom walked right in, pointed to a chair, and said she’d wait there while I stood in line to register her. While we waited to be called, Mom leaned over and said, “Daddy’s upstairs, right?” I nodded. Our chairs overlooked a picture window, framing the mountains as the sun was setting, the dusky blush sky a perfect backdrop for the hazy blue mountains.

She laid still for the CT scan. We waited for the results. She talked about how it had been so long since she had seen Daddy, at least three or four days, and she wondered where he was. She asked where we were and I told her. The CT scan came back clear, no sign of a brain bleed or a tumor. We walked back to the car, arm in arm, her mumbling jibberish.

As we ate dinner at home, she wanted to know what we were, churchwise. She asked if we were Methodist or Presbyterian. She asked if we had been at a hospital earlier. She pondered why it had been so long since she had seen Dad. After dinner we ate ice cream, then sat on the couch to watch The Golden Girls. She laced her hand in mine, and so clearly and coherently talked about how difficult it was after Daddy died. That it was hard to watch him suffer, and it was hard on her once he passed. That she loved him so much. She joked that I better find a man. This, this, is the Alzheimer’s Mom that I’ve grown accustomed to. The sweet one.

“Did Daddy ever had any children?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know who they were?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“Well, there was Greg…”

“Oh, yes.”

“And then me…”

“You?”

“Yep! And then Ashley…”

She snuggled closer to me.

And it didn’t even bother me that she didn’t know I was her and Daddy’s child. Her asking was so tender. Her reflections so true. I knew that this behavior would wear off once the sedative did. And that tomorrow we will likely go back to yesterday’s behavior. And I’ll still need to make the difficult decision of what to do next: round the clock caregivers, or moving her to a facility. Or some other option I don’t even know about yet.

And it didn’t matter. I savored the sweetness of the evening, having Alzheimer’s Mom back, even if just for a moment.